Choosing a healthy attitude: a habit, not just a choice

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way," wrote Viktor Frankl in his seminal work "Man's Search for Meaning." He knew the depths of human suffering firsthand, having endured three years across four Nazi concentration camps. During this ordeal, he observed a tragic pattern: those who perished were often those who had lost hope and purpose. When the flame of meaning flickered out, survival became nearly impossible.

Why am I writing to you about a holocaust survivor? Well, if you are going through despair or some kind of hardship that is testing you and your belief in yourself, mankind, and God, I urge you to read on.

So, I have this friend Layla (not her real name). She lives with debilitating chronic pain—the kind that leaves her curled in a fetal position, screaming in agony for hours. Due to a rare genetic condition, conventional pain medications offer her no relief. Yet what astounds me is her spirit: despite enduring this constant torment, she continues to show up for others with boundless empathy, genuine love, and even a warm sense of humor.

So I asked her the other day how she is able to maintain her good attitude.

“Oh, it’s not easy, my friend. The trick is catching the despair before it gets worse."

“How do you know you’re about to slip into despair?”

“I start to cry. I used to not be a big crier. But now, I feel the tears.”

“So what do you do?”

“I breathe. I look at a bird or a tree. I focus on good things. Then, I change my environment. I reach out to family and friends. I call someone. It takes the focus off myself.”

As she said these words, I had a realization. By shifting her focus outward—to nature, to others, to simple acts of connection—she transforms her relationship with pain.

This revelation backs up Frankl’s thesis: attitude isn't just a state of mind, it's a choice. It may sound simplistic, but it's empowering to realize we have this agency, even in our darkest moments.

A definition of resource is “an action or strategy which may be adopted in adverse circumstances.”

So choosing our attitude is a resource.

Yes, our personalities, situations, and circumstances shape our perspective, but do not define it. How we respond is within our power.

For those of us who carry significant responsibilities or resentments—whether financial, familial, or social—the weight can feel crushing. It’s easy to believe that our circumstances dictate our emotional state. But that’s not true. Even under immense pressure, like Layla, we can cultivate a healthy attitude, much like we would a habit.

What exactly is attitude?

It’s more than just a fleeting mood. Psychologists define it as “a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.”

In other words, it manifests in our actions, our mannerisms, our way of moving through the world. It's the lens through which we interpret and engage with everything around us.

But let’s be clear: I don’t subscribe to toxic positivity.

Ignoring pain or denying hardship does not cultivate true resilience. Instead, I believe in consciously shaping our behaviors, through habits. This is something I need to work on. I still have some resentments that I need to deal with and which cause me to suffer. I need to ask myself, how would Frankl have dealt with this problem? If he was able to find meaning and maintain dignity in Auschwitz, surely there is hope for me in Newport, Rhode Island.

Practicing a healthy attitude

A healthy attitude—one that supports our well-being—doesn’t come naturally to everyone. It must be practiced. Habits shape our lives, and our attitude is no exception.

The Tiny Habits Method popularized by BJ Fogg suggests that small changes lead to lasting transformation. When I think about Layla’s responses above, her answers reinforce this Tiny Habits Method:

• Focus on good things such as expressing gratitude

• Notice tears or when we are spiraling into despair and pause

• Reach out to friends and family to break out of isolation

• Use prayer and affirmations to train ourselves to speak to ourselves with kindness rather than self-criticism

Making shifts requires focus

To shift your attitude, you need daily practice.

You must be willing to let go and trust. Without that, you cannot go deep within yourself. Seeking help is crucial. Coaching is a powerful tool in this transformation. A coach helps you:

• Recognize behavior patterns.

• Seek value rather than dwell on negativity.

• What is true? Are you in denial?

• Connect with others. Isolation fosters fear and stagnation.

• Stay curious. Curiosity is the antidote to shame and fear and allows for learning.

Beware of the "Numb Zone"

Sometimes, when shifting from negative to positive, we enter what some call the “I don’t care” zone. This is dangerous—it’s dishonest and a form of emotional disengagement. True change requires active participation, not avoidance.

The benefits of a healthy attitude

• More opportunities in life

• Improved well-being

• A rosier perspective

• Realistic choices

• Increased attractiveness (in energy and mindset)

• A greater sense of meaning

• Lower stress and anxiety

Steps to shift your attitude

1. Begin by evaluating where you stand now. Take an honest inventory of your current mindset and emotional patterns. Seek feedback from trusted friends or a coach—their observations often reveal blind spots we can't see ourselves.

2. Next, trace the roots of your attitude. Examine how your family background, cultural context, core beliefs, and past experiences have shaped your worldview. Understanding these influences is crucial for meaningful change.

3. With this awareness, create a plan to shift your attitude. Define clear aspirations for your attitude and outline specific actions to achieve them. Consider establishing a personal warning system—similar to The Patrick Carnes Craziness Index used in addiction recovery—to catch yourself when old patterns emerge.

4. Finally, build accountability into your journey. Share your goals with trusted friends and give them permission to provide honest feedback. Remember that this is a daily practice, much like Steps 10 and 11 in 12-step programs. Choose each day to cultivate openness, positivity, and growth.