When agency goes too far
Idealizing the lifestyles of the rich and famous could do us more harm than good.
One of the cultural markers of the wealthy, something called hyper-agency, could be getting in the way of inner growth and relational healing according to psychiatrist Dr. Paul L. Hokemeyer.
In Fragile Power: Why Having Everything Is Never Enough, he writes:
“Through hyper-agency these men and women can manipulate the externals of their lives to avoid any discomfort. While most of the world has to learn to learn to tolerate inconvenience and unpleasant circumstances, the powerful can buy their way out of it. You don’t want to fly across country commercial? No problem: within an hour you can be idling in your private jet. You want to avoid the inconveniences of a snowstorm in Manhattan? You can head down to your villa in Palm Beach. You don’t like the way your therapist is challenging you? You can fire her and find another who will allow you to manipulate the relationship to suit your comfort and ego or crow that you’re smarter than any therapist.”
Why is too much agency—which most of us would agree is a good thing—unhealthy? Let's look at an example.
After a devastating break up, I was in pain and wanted to move out of the Swiss Alps. Being six years sober, I had no way of anesthetizing or escaping the rejection and loss, and I had no adult family around.
“You’ve pulled geographicals after every other breakup,” my therapist said. “I would advise you to stay here and deal with your pain.”
So, I stuck it out. Three. Whole. Years.
I didn’t fire her.
What did I do instead?
I focused on career, karate, piano, hiking, running, therapy, coaching, support group meetings, and working the steps. I reached out to women in my network and met them for coffees and lunches. A wise friend in long-time recovery advised: "Lean into the pain; emotional pain will not kill you." I learned to meditate and actually did it every day. I read self-help books on codependency and on Shaolin warriors.
I was doing too much. Perhaps, another form of hyper-agency!
“You’re looking for answers in books,” my therapist said. “You're still in denial. I want you to feel the anger.”
I hiked to the top of a mountain and screamed to the heavens. I threw rocks into a lake. I played Chopin Nocturnes and Brahms Intermezzos.
I told her that I cried while running. She didn’t like that either; I could get addicted to the activity. I rejoiced when tears came during meditation.
By the end of the three years, I didn’t want to leave. With strength, I climbed local peaks in record time, played the piano in a concert with a brass band, passed my third brown belt exam; and the best of all, I had a new community... a chosen family. All without booze or a pharmaceutical pill. By leaning into the pain, I started the path to getting to know myself.
It is not only the rich and powerful who limit their ability to control their inner world though hyper-agency. It is every one of us.
Here's a link to a past interview What are the 3 barriers to living a ‘good life’ for the rich and powerful?