Tool to stop focusing on other people’s problems
When I focus on other people’s problems, I lose sight of my own life and I get stressed.
Some call this behavior codependent, a catch-all label for a multitude of “excessively loving” and “unhelpful” behaviors that can lead to further pain and dependency.
Speaker and author Byron Katie has a simple and clear system for helping people figure out if their thinking is leading them in the wrong direction.
She defines three kinds of business:
My business
Other people’s business (my neighbor’s, spouse’s, friend’s, or child’s)
God’s business (a hurricane, war, pandemic, earthquake…)
Going into other people’s business is a way to solve a problem that I have by getting them to change. Most importantly: it avoids discomfort.
Here’s an example: my friend lied to me.
I think: “He shouldn’t lie.”
This thought convinces me that my problem would be solved, if he would stop lying.
Whose business am I in when I have that thought? My friend’s business.
By thinking “he shouldn’t lie” I’m going into his business and it’s an attempt at changing his behavior through mind control.
Coming at the problem from “my business” would be to focus on how I am feeling and to think instead: “I am sad and angry that my friend lied to me.”
Acknowledging my feelings is the first step.
Having an uncomfortable conversation would come next and would start with something like this: “It seems you have been untruthful to me. I don’t like this, as it makes me distrust you and makes me feel unsafe with you. If you want to stay friends, I ask you to please stop.”
Such a confrontation might lead to an uncomfortable conversation or situation but is a healthier way to address to the situation.