A relationship poison and how to avoid it
One day, Belch told me what his wife Barb had done to him.
From that moment on—as much as I tried—I couldn’t stop thinking about Barb and her awful deeds. Not only did my behavior towards her change—images of the awful things she did poisoned my mind—and I got tired.
The weight was so heavy that I felt compelled to unload on my closest friends who knew the couple. This lightened the load temporarily. When word got back to the troublesome couple that I’d been talking about them, they were angry with me.
What to do?
Avoid the triangle
In retrospect, cutting them off at the pass and removing myself from such conversations would have been ideal. In a perfect world, I should have been able to say:
“I think it would be much better if you talked to her about how you feel, rather than to me.”
“I value my friendship with both of you. So, please don't put me in the middle."
“I can tell this is really hard for you, but I feel uncomfortable when you tell me such private details concerning your marriage.”
“I don’t feel qualified to give you advice. I think this is something you might want to bring up with a marriage counselor.”
I couldn’t avoid it - Now what?
I listened to a load of crap and now I’m outraged, exhausted, and need to get rid of the thoughts. What do I do?
My therapist advised the following:
Process feelings by journaling, writing a letter and NOT sending it
Decide how to go forward with the relationships; set boundaries
Talking to someone neutral and confidential, like a coach. If the resentment stays for more than a week, and old family stuff has been triggered, talk to a therapist. Family and friends are not objective.
Remember: You are only human.