How your authentic self doesn't include being a jerk
Is your dad practicing healthy authenticity when he gives you unsolicited and hurtful opinions about your appearance?
How about when he says: “I was just being honest; do you want me to just lie?”
Is “being true to yourself” going around saying whatever is on your mind?
Around 15 participants discussed this topic on Clubhouse this past week.
The consensus was on dropping the attachment to what people think, but no one argued for the right to be a jerk. No one defined authenticity as giving in to our darkest impulses.
On the contrary, participants said they valued kindness and wished they had the courage to be “their true selves” with certain people in their lives. They shared feeling held back at times.
I feel most authentic when I feel safe. That sense of safety comes from trust.
Charles Feltman defines trust as: “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions.”
How to trust someone?
A great resource is Brene Brown’s talk on the anatomy of trust and her marble jar theory. We can only trust people over time.
1. Boundaries: are they clear about them, stick to them, and respect yours?
2. Reliable: do they do what they say they are going to do repeatedly? Not over-committing to projects.
3. Accountable: when they make mistakes, they own it, apologize and make amends
4. Vault: what is shared will be held in confidence; no gossip. No common-enemy intimacy.
5. Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun and easy; practicing values not just professing them.
6. Non-judgmental: asking for help. Help has to be reciprocal.
7. Generosity of Spirit: Assuming the best in someone.
Healthy authenticity leads to intimacy. Who wouldn’t want that?