Attraction, not promotion

Living within the laws of nature and doing the work

What draws us to certain people or opportunities?

Is it flashy advertising or persistent selling?

It’s neither.

True attraction is something more fundamental. It’s magnetic. It pulls us toward those people or opportunities naturally, without manipulation.

It generates the kind of curiosity that makes you want to read every book in a particular section in a bookstore.

One definition I particularly like describes attraction as: a quality or force of someone or something that tends to pull others in or create interest in the person or thing.

Ingredients of attraction include: being of service, adding value, and building genuine connections.

Buying friendships is not attractive.

Take Christine Onassis, for example. In a biography about her, she is described as a rich and lonely child who grew up never understanding the true meaning of love. She sought it from men and resorted to buying friendships.

So, no! You don't have to be the one constantly pulling out your credit card! Generosity flows from authentic care, not transaction.

Offer your time, your skills, and your energy in meaningful ways. Support a cause, mentor someone, or simply be present for others. This creates far more lasting attraction than material gifts ever could.

Make no mistake – promotion is not attraction. Promotion is seduction. Manipulation. It may work in the short term but rarely creates sustainable connection.

Respect: The foundation

Respect—including understanding etiquette—is a foundational form of attraction. When you treat others with genuine consideration within their system or culture—remembering their preferences, acknowledging their boundaries, and honoring their time—you signal that you value them as individuals.

When you enter a dojo, you never wear shoes, and you bow to the space, to your sensei and to your fellow karateka. You say, “osu” to acknowledge that you have understood what has been said.

When you are in a church in Rome, it is a rule not to wear shorts, tank-tops, or flip-flops. When you are a guest at the Whitehouse or have a job interview, you wear a suit. Not doing so, implies a lack of respect and an over-grown ego.

Learn the etiquette of any situation. Doing so, shows you did your homework and value the other person.

The flamingo effect

Did you know that flamingos temporarily lose their bright pink when they are raising their young?

This mirrors our own lives. When we give too much without replenishing ourselves—whether through rest, joy, or meaningful connection—we lose our vibrancy. Our attraction dims.

Self-care isn't selfish; it's essential to maintaining your attractive force.

The cab light theory

So what is that quality or force? It's an internal state. You exude serenity and joy.

My coach Jackie Wicks, the author of The Cheat Diet, was the first to point this out to me. Though she was primarily helping me with my diet and wellness, her wisdom extended far beyond nutrition. When I was lamenting my lack of success in dating, she simply said, "Your cab light is off Diana." In NYC, yellow cabs have lighted roof numbers—when the light is on, they are available. When I'm going through tough times, my cab light is off. I don't attract dates, customers, or new friends. That's a sign I need to work on myself.

When my attraction dims, it means I am out of integrity somewhere, or I have some tolerations that are draining me. My therapist says I am good at adapting to difficult situations—a common trait among Adult Third Culture Kids (ATCKs) like myself. Growing up across different cultures, we become masters at adapting to our environments. Although this skill helped me survive, it now depletes me. If I find myself complaining about people in my life, it means I've adapted too much to my environment, and I need to make a change.

A client recently struggled with "mean girl" dynamics in the Swiss Alps. Once she left that environment, her energy and natural attraction returned. Sometimes the answer isn't more adaptation—it's finding a healthier environment.

Inner beauty: a high school lesson

We've all heard about inner beauty. Let me share a story from boarding school.

I was a chubby girl who had the beginnings of a possible eating disorder and who was obsessed with a skinny, long-haired bass player. I was insecure because he weighed less than me, and I believed that true beauty was being waif-like. One day, I saw that he had begun officially dating a girl who was heavier than me. I was confused—until I understood why. It was her confidence, her smile, her generosity of spirit. She had a beautiful face too and her voice was so powerful she didn't need a microphone to fill a room. She radiated attractiveness from within.

So, it's not about external appearance. It's an inside job.

When attraction happens naturally

When you cultivate inner alignment, good things come your way automatically. Call it luck, but it's more than that.

Back when I used to pay to promote pieces on Facebook, I tracked how each post performed. One time, I forgot to promote a piece on my friend Nicky, an amazing massage therapist, trainer, and former social worker. Yet, it attracted thousands more hits than my usual posts. Why? It was an interview and her words reflected what an attractive person she is—someone who adds value, relates well, and is always in service to others.

The attraction of mastery

There is something undeniably attractive about mastery. It draws our attention and admiration in a way few other qualities can.

I think of the woman I wrote about in my standards article who, when offered more food by an insistent host, simply smiled and said "No thank you" with such elegant certainty that the conversation naturally moved on.

I see it in my karate sensei's movements—that rare combination of elegance, power, and natural speed that comes from thousands of hours of dedicated practice. Nothing forced, nothing wasted. Just pure, efficient beauty in motion.

My piano teacher's fingers create melodies and harmonies with a rhythm that seems to flow directly from his soul. When he plays, you can't help but be drawn in. The music isn't just heard; it's felt.

This is the essence of mastery—the ability to make something extraordinarily difficult look effortless, like the jazz musician whose improvisations seem to materialize from thin air.

Mastery is attractive because it represents the pinnacle of human needs: self-transcendence. True masters don’t need to promote themselves—their work does that naturally.

Natural glow vs. manufactured appeal

There's something undeniably attractive about the natural glow that comes from genuine joy and well-being. I notice it in myself after hiking with friends—that combination of physical exertion, connection with nature, and meaningful social bonds creates a radiance that no makeup could replicate. Similarly, after a good massage, there's a relaxed openness that draws people in.

This natural state of well-being signals health and balance. We're drawn to people who embody these qualities because we know we will not be judged. We will be celebrated.

Humor, too, creates an irresistible attraction. Not just any humor, but the ability to laugh at life's absurdities and oneself.

What's not attractive? Sarcasm often masquerades as humor but usually contains hidden barbs.

Practices that enhance your attractiveness

When you are attractive, you practice deep listening, share knowledge freely, celebrate others' wins, maintain consistency, and stay present. You show that you care by reading between the lines and remaining aware without being overpowered.

As the Four Agreements advises: "Be impeccable with your word." Avoid blame or accusations. Instead, focus on adding value, relating well, and serving others. Develop reserves—human, intellectual, and financial. Build community both personally and professionally. Most of all, love peace.

Your turn: cultivate your attractive force

I invite you, dear reader, to reflect. What qualities and actions make you attractive?

Make a list. Then, note how these qualities or actions enhance your attractiveness—not in a superficial sense, but in a way that draws people toward you naturally.

This week, choose one attraction-based approach to practice intentionally. Perhaps it's being more present in conversations, offering help without being asked, or simply radiating genuine joy—like a smile. Notice how differently people respond when you focus on attraction rather than promotion.

Remember, attraction is not about external validation. It's about who you are at your core—and allowing that authentic self to shine.